Monday, 6 June 2016

Top 5 Things Disney Failed to Prepare Me For



When You Wish Upon A Star,
Makes No Difference Who You Are,
When You Wish Upon A Star,
Bugger All Happens


That's Right, wishing upon a star does absolutely sod all and I'm an expert, I've wished on hundreds of stars and I'm still poor as eff, my horrible neighbour Beryl still keeps secretly measuring my trees with a ruler to make sure I'm not sneaking onto her land and my cat still keeps trying to poo in my potted plants.

Disney really did guide me through childhood, I was a princess waiting to be unleashed but sadly, life turned out to be a bitter shock and so here are the Top 5 Things Disney Failed to Prepare Me For, enjoy.

1. Sleeping Beauty: 

The Dream - Don't worry if you're growing up in some weird dysfunctional setting wearing rags, soon as you're 16 you'll be returned to the palace you came from and, as long as you manage not to follow some weirdo up the back stairs and stab yourself on a sharp object, you'll be grand.

The Reality - I had all the markings of a good Aurora, sadly when I turned 16 I was given a Britney Spears doll and a Nokia... No trip to my real castle, turns out those dysfunctionals were my real family, who knew?

2. Beauty and The Beast:

The Dream - You meet a totally misunderstood man, he's all hairy and shizz but no one ever minded a bit of cross species dating, right? He has a precious rose that you best not touch or he loses his mind and there's also the fact that you're prisoner in his castle but apart from that he's lovely isn't he? And the candle and the clock keep telling you to go for it after all...

The Reality - Belle love, you've got Stockholm syndrome. Last time I was locked in a castle as a replacement for my wayward father and the furniture started talking to me I knew it had gone too far. 

3. Cinderella

The Dream - So your stepmother is a total cow and she wont let you go to the ball? It's fine because you'll turn up with some rats and a Pumpkin and the prince will bloody well swoon I tell you - SWOON!

The Reality - If I turned up on a date riding some rodents I don't think I'd get a second date, even if I did have tiny little baby feet that fit into the smallest slipper in the land... Heads up, my feet are size 6 so that's out the window.

4. Snow White:

The Dream - Most people are really, really kind and they don't mind if you break into their cabin in the woods, in actual fact, they'll probably welcome you with open arms and allow you to live there for the rest of your days, meanwhile, you stupidly accept food offerings from a stranger and chow it down cue #instadeath, luckily though some dude will spot how stunning your dead ass is and kiss you (necrophilia anyone?), day will be saved and you'll ride off with yet another stranger into the sunset.
Happily Ever After.

The Reality - Break into a cabin in the woods full of strange little men and I'm telling you now, it ain't gonna be pretty, I've seen enough horror movies now to know this would probably end up as some underground torture movie at worst, prosecution at best. Meanwhile, if a dude fancies you when you're dead/comatose and tries it on, that dude is a creep and you probably shouldn't ride off on his horse with him... again, underground torture movie.
Oh and don't take treats from witches.

5. The Little Mermaid:

The Dream - Sacrifice your voice for love, the prince you have your eye on wont mind that you can't communicate, walk properly or the small inconvenience that you think a fork is a hairbrush. Oh and of course he will just throw you to one side when he hears some lass sing but don't worry it'll be all fine in the end, he will realise he's been duped by some mermaids and marry you. Casual.

The Reality - I'll let you figure this one out, set your sights on a prince and try to make your way in a sheet across the lawn at Buckingham Palace and see how far you get, my guess is you wont be dining with Harry that evening...

So there we have it, Top 5 Things Disney Failed to Prepare Me For, do any of these strike a chord with you?

Have you tried to leg it across the palace lawns?

Rosy xx

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18 comments

  1. Ha ha this post made me laugh. Genuinely snorted at "Necrophilia, anyone?!" Hahahahaha

    Not seen a post like this before either which is refreshing!

    Katie. xx La Coco Noire

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    1. Hahaha I debated if I should remove that bit before publishing but went with the 'ah feck it' attitude, I'm glad I did now :)

      Rosy xx

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  2. Love your post, I think the same as Katie - it made me laught, especially the reality from Beauty and the Beast is so well written :D

    http://crafty-zone.blogspot.com/

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    1. haha I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

      Rosy xx

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  3. This is too true and funny. I always liked Belle when I was younger and thought the Beast was cool looking but now that I'm older reality hit and that's not quite what I want. I wonder how many girls would run across the palace lawns for Prince Harry. Certainly quite a few...

    Single Vegas Girl
    http://singlevegasgirl.blogspot.com/

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    1. I was thinking the same, I bet there's a large percentage of women would run across flames for Harry haha

      Rosy xx

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  4. Have you ever noticed how superficial Disney movies are? I didn't see it when I was younger but when I watch them now I think "what kind of a message are they sending to little girls?!" Take Cinderella, for example. They paint her as a meek girl who cooks and cleans all day and waits for a prince (what's so charming about Charming, anyway?!) to save her. She isn't even trying to control her future. She is essentially the epitome of self-self-deprication!
    Then there's Ariel who gives up her voice so she can get the prince to fall for her. In the original one (or was it the Grimm brothers version?) it says that walking felt like a thousand shards of glass piercing her skin. So she was masochistic and for something that wasn't a sure thing. Also, the prince falls for her when she cannot speak so he basically fell for her looks. No wonder kids are more worried about the size of their ass than their GPA these days!
    x
    Aria | All Souled Out

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    1. They all certainly have unusual messages but I think most kids TV does, a Disney movie that does it really well is Brave, that girl is bad assed and she doesn't want to marry the prince :)

      Rosy xx

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  5. So cool!

    JENNEROUTFITS.COM a blog dedicated to kendall and kylie jenner’s best outfits.

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  6. Hahah this post was so funny - I've never thought of the Disney princesses in this way before - so refreshing! :) xxx

    Sarah / Sarah Smiles

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

      Rosy xx

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  7. Sleeping Beauty - the reality on me : is the same like you, is given a big bear doll :)

    - Lily Widjaja
    www.Glowlicious.Me

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    1. Haha, this is definitely Real life

      Rosy xx

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  8. Haha this totally made me lol its made my day.
    x fatty https://twofacedx.wordpress.com/ ♡

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  9. Ah I love this! I love Disney, and while you're watching it's easy to get swept up in all the magic and forget how ridiculous some of the stories are haha. This post was so refreshing though haha

    Kelly // Velvet and Vibranium

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    Replies
    1. Haha, despite this post I do absolutely love Disney

      Rosy xx

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